Monday, October 5, 2009

Dark vs Fear

I have thought about this off & on for years but until recently haven't wrapped my brain around the intent of my thoughts on the subject. Is everyone afraid of the dark, Do you say you aren't afraid of the dark but deep down inside when you are in the dark woods with no lights & nobody for miles or the power is out in your home & you have no light, when you hear noises, even though they are what I call "dark noises" that we all hear when it is dark, quiet & still, do you have a little fear? Do you say you aren't afraid to cover up insecurities but really you are as afraid as anyone?
I can't answer this question for anyone else because it is a personal demon, experience or feeling which is between you & the dark. I had a very frightening experience as a young child which made me deathly afraid of the dark. I was playing in my room with my younger sister & brothers. The lights were on, the noise was loud & it was after dark. I heard a tapping noise on the window although the window blinds were down, I was curious what this continued noise was? I had no fear at all & was just quizzical as I pulled the blind back & put my face up to the window with the blind now laying on the back of my head. It took a couple seconds for my eyes to adjust which may never happen with my eyes now as I need reading glasses (vbs). I then realized there were 2 monster faces pressed up against the window & I fell backward screaming with an unimaginable fear for what I had witnessed. My mom burst into the room & looked outside but nothing was there. She most likely felt I was imagining this but because of my belief in what I had seen, she held me & calmed me as only a Mother can do.
We found out days later that it was 2 teenage boys in the neighborhood that had done this & were bragging about how scared they made me. My Mom found the two boys & grabbed them by the ears & banged their heads together something I am sure would land her in jail today. The two boys of which one still lives here, apologized to me but the damage was already done.
I wouldn't go anywhere near a dark room or be outside alone after dark. I had nightmares of dark & monsters in the dark, it was horrible.
I was about 13 when I decided I wanted to overcome this & many other fears, so I began a quest to gain confidence. I went camping by myself with my dog & we spent an intensely frightening night alone in the woods while I kept the fire blazing until I couldn't keep my eyes open a second longer. I woke up at daylight & realized that I could do this & that I needed to overcome all my fears. I began planning to do things every birthday which included overcoming a fear. Sky diving, bungee jumping, survival camping in dry & snow conditions were among many.
I bring up the past to set the mood for the present & to give perspective on my thoughts regarding dark & fear.
Last weekend I was called out to work & although I would say that I am not afraid or intimidated by much, I had to walk through dark woods at 3:00 in the morning with no lights & must admit that although I wasn't having anxiety attacks it was a little frightening. Not enough to stop me but enough to give me pause & have the experience cause me to wonder, what if?
I don't know if you have similar thoughts on dark & fear but am pretty sure that when we strip away all the lights, friends, family, pets, egos or mental safeguards, that we, as we sit alone in deep thought, have some degree of fear of the dark. It would only be natural because we as humans are usually afraid of what we don't understand, have control over or what we can't see, like what is in the dark.

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